So basically, my life feels like a huge mess. I almost screamed at the German dude I work with (i.e. "You need a shower and I quit") and then I got lost on the way home and cried about it. Basically my life got turned upside down again last week and it's getting to me much more deeply than I am aware.
Basically, I've been seeing this guy 'secretly' (his secret, not mine) for the past 3.5 years and I've allowed myself to get completely tangled up in a very unhealthy relationship. I started dating this guy that I really wanted... I wanted to be a better person because of him. He was the first guy that I really respected and wanted to be with. He told me he was Muslim and I thought that was interesting as I was so over dating Catholics, but I slowly began to learn little things specific to him.. his parents couldn't know that we were dating, he never took me around his friends for fear his parents would find out or he just didn't want other people to know he wasn't available.
I got interested in learning as much about him as possible so after reading as much as I could about his country of origin, I moved to Islam and read general articles about it. Then I decided to read the Qur'an and was blown away. I converted at a time that he was off doing whatever ignoring me and was not a part of the process. I did not even know who to contact about Islam (contacting him about it didn't cross my mind..) and was mercifully put in touch with some wonderful Muslim women.
Then it got more interesting.. I met one of his sisters via the Islam connection. She and I became good friends, but, of course, she couldn't know about the relationship...then I met the other sister.. and brother.. and mother.. and father.. but they don't know. And I feel like such a fraud when I'm around or talk to any of them. I'm sure they know or wouldn't be surprised but I feel a shame about it that I shouldn't have to feel.
Then last year he got stuck in a one-year internship here in DC and I followed.. I was able to work out a deal with graduate school to be here a year. Then last week during the match, he unexpectedly matched here in DC.. so 5 more years in DC. He was supposed to go back to NO with me..
So basically, I know what the answer is.. the relationship is in no way okay religiously.. he doesn't love me (he's said so) but he's okay with living with me and having me take care of him until his momma moves up here or they marry him off to a cousin or something. I'm just so mad at myself right now.. I knew this was bad all along but I feel like I can't give it up because I have nothing else.. I have no one. If he doesn't call me, on a normal day, my phone doesn't ring at all.
He says he doesn't know what he wants in this relationship but I don't believe him. After 3.5 years you know if you'd consider marrying the person or not, period. I don't know if he's afraid of losing ME or losing what I do for him. There's literally nothing else I can do for a man that I don't do for him and if that's not good enough, how in the hell is anyone ever going to love me and want to marry me??
And today my mom sent me a Billy Graham article.. some girl asking for advice about how to get out of a bad relationship in which she is being used (spoiler: his answer is Jesus!), but it just kills me because even my own mother thinks I'm being used.. thinks I'm stupid and maybe I am but I don't feel strong enough to break it off because I feel worthless.. I'm not good enough to have any friends.. most of the members of my family are weary of me because of all the mistakes I've made in changing my life to be with this man.
Oh and I hate my grad school program... there's the icing.. I've wasted a year of my life regardless!
